[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
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I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.