I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
You Might Also Like
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Steam Forums