We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
You Might Also Like
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Mouse
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Always a metermaid never a meter
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.