An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
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I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
I’m having an out of money experience.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G