I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
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Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Milk Cube
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies