a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
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its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Baking is just science you can eat.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes