Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
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Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…