I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
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A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.