Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
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This week’s mood.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*