Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
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People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.