*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
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The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
So that’s what we looked like?
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”