She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
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I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood