If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
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ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds