[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
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*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15