Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
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One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”