I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
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idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up