[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
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boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids