Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
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My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Always…
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭