Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
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What a year we’ve had this week.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting