There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
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Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*