*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
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The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Herpes is trending, good job people
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel