Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
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You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
I am yelling
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness