Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
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Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
british sex workers really pound for pound
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.