white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
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My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious