Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.

[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?

Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers

[job interview]

BOSS: biggest weakness?

ME: I never know when to quit

BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired

ME: I quit

“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”

(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003

If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!

Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.

I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.

Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.

[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…

Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.

It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.

April showers? Big whoop, so do I.

FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”

“Have you seen my thumb ring?”

~ my proctologist

My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5

*Job interview

Him: Any special achievements?

Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed

H: Alright, you’re hired

M: Really?

H: No.

Time estimates:

“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never

Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…

All my money goes to the poor…poor me.

Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk

I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still

NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE

my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something

If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.

I SCREAM,

YOU SCREAM,

WE ALL SCREAM,

BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO

WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!

If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.

[High School Reunion]

Him: I started my own Law Firm last year

Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story

sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song

Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority