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It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them