Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
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Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
*ernest hemingway voice*
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats