“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
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it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Friends that check up on you >
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.