The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
You Might Also Like
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.