Go hard or stay average
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If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.