When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
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I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Nothing.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
this is the greatest thing ever
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample