Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
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[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
🤯🤯🤯
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*