Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits
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*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream