Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
You Might Also Like
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”