I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
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I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery