That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
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I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
See..?
.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.