I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
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If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
I feel seen
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…