My neck my back my allergy attack
You Might Also Like
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
The symmetry is uncanny.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT