Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
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Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
new wife guy just dropped
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Dolls on drugs
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.