Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
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THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.