Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
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I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Life hack
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
The 4 stages of a family vacation