My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
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Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
oh no, steve’s working tonight
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.