Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
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I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*