Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
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It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
I think we should hear other voices.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
LMAO
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.