Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
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Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.