It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
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What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.