The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
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The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade