Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
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wish me luck lads
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.