WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
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Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Why is everyone getting married at me
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Breaking news:
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.