i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
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The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
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I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
so weird how every mom was born today
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?